Recreated.

I yawn for the third time in a row. I prop myself straight against my chair and force myself to look at the blackboard and memorize what’s written there. There’s no other way. I’ve tried too hard to understand and I don’t get it for like the fiftieth time. So, maybe, I’ll understand it once I memorize the whole thing. 

Geography class took almost an hour to finish. It wasn’t exactly an hour, it was like, some 20 minutes. But the 20 minutes felt like a really long hour. And anyway, it was the last period and then I had to go home. Go home and…. I don’t know what, but I’ll do something.

I walk for a few minutes on my own and pass hundreds of kids and teens running frantically in the corridor. Some seem to know me, and they look at me in ‘awe’. What is there in me to look at me in ‘awe’?

My friend, Joanne,slaps me hard on my shoulder and says in her usual loud, happy tone, “So, how was the day, Am?”

“The day isn’t over yet, Joe.” My usual sarcastic answer, that now turns out not to be sarcastic.l anymore. 

“That isn’t funny, lol.” She says, even though she knows I hate her using ‘lol’ in a real-life conversation.

“Class was okay. Kinda boring. Also, I didn’t understand a thing in math and geography.” 

“Me too, don’t worry.”

We walk in silence, not knowing what to say. Joe and I have been close friends for four years now and she knows that sometimes, my mood isn’t so good. She knows what to say then, and when it’s time to stay silent. 

“Joe… I don’t wanna go home.”

“What happened, Amanda? Anything wrong? Any teacher said something about you? Did any guy irritate you? Did you fall down somewhere or something and hurt yourself? What happened?” 

“I don’t know,Joe! I wish I knew why. I just.. don’t wanna go home and I also wanna go home. I’m so confused. I feel too… sad, lonely.”

“I understand.”

“You know,I can be the ‘me’ at home. I can just be the irritating kid who doesn’t do a thing other than sleep, eat and check my phone. Also, ruin other’s lives. Just me. But outside, I’ve got to be ‘that girl’. The popular one. The one who speaks well, studies well. The best. I try to convince others that no, I’m not better than them, but they don’t listen to me! They just say I’m disregarding myself. I know I’m not! I wish.. that well, nothing. I’m just over thinking and overreacting.”

“You’re not. You don’t have to reassure yourself with false hopes.”

“That’s the problem right there, Joe! I’m trying to reassure myself that nothing’s wrong when the whole word is turned upside down.”

“Amanda…”

“I’ve been so bad. I can’t forgive myself, how could Anne possibly forgive me?”

“She did say it’s okay in the end. She always forgave you. From the beginning. She loved you, Amanda, and when you love a person you don’t even consider their mistakes.”

“But what I did wasn’t a mistake. Stealing your sister’s words, thoughts, respect and almost her whole life isn’t a mistake!” 

“Am… chill, dude. You need to calm down to understand. You’re just being ignorant.”

I let the words sink in. I’m being ignorant. I’ve always been. I’ve been doing wrongs for the whole of my life and all the respect and popularity that I’m earning aren’t even mine.

“You know what, Amanda? You should start writing again. It will soother your mind and help you to relax.”

“I already told you, Joe. I never wrote. I just had thoughts that I never even considered enough. It was all Anne’s. Her book, her poetry, her blog, her thoughts, her views. It was all hers. And I? Well, I just cheated on her. When she got paralyzed after the accident, I stole her writings. I performed at the poetry slam that evening instead of her and got all the praise. She didn’t even know it then. She just lay in her bed all day, talking to me whenever I went to her room. When Mom told her how I performed so very well at the poetry slam, she just smiled and said, ‘Great!’ And, when I published the poetry book, again, she smiled and said, ‘Good job!’ How can I be normal after I saw her suffer till her last breath and lose all of her energy, her senses, her words, her thoughts? How? How can I be normal after she lay there in that silent hospital bed, pale and motionless and so peaceful? How?” 

There’s a long silence after this. My throat aches over talking so loudly and for so long. Joe seems to be in deep thought, she rarely is like that. 

We reach my home. I stand quietly by the door, knowing Joe had something to say.

“You know what, Am, you can’t untie the knots left far behind. You can only let go of the rope.”

I think I’ve heard this line before. “How did you know this line?” I say, thinking that maybe Joe has a superpower to read my diary without taking it or something.

“I read it from your diary last Tuesday when I came to your house for doing that physics homework. I was flipping through the pages when this line stuck me.”

“Oh.”

There’s a short silence where we both think what to say next. Joe says,

“You’ve got to let go of her, Am. Let go of the memories, the bitterness, the mistakes, the wrongs. You’ve got to let go of the past.”

We both stand silently,me looking at the ground and she looking at the sky. Suddenly, she says,

“Uh oh. It’s about to rain. I’m going home. Bye!”

She just runs as fast as she can, her house is just at the end of the lane and as she reaches the front door of her house, she looks at me and gives me a thumbs up with her ‘everything’s going to be fine’ smile. I smile back and give her a thumbs up and she goes inside her house.

Now, it’s just me. Me and my thoughts and the dark, vast sky. The rain starts pouring, and the noise of the water drops hitting the ground filled the whole place. The noise was sweet as well as stabbing. Stabbing my heart. It was telling me the truth through the hard way. I close my eyes. I see Anne’s smiling face. I see how her eyes wrinkle from her huge smile and how her front teeth pop out a little. I see her as a person who is my refuge, who believes in me and knows that I would be the person who i dream to be and not the person I was or am presently. I know she forgave me and she loves me. I know I’ve gotten what I didn’t deserve.

I open my eyes and stand there in the rain. I let the rain wash my face. I let the rain wash away the dark sides of me. I let the rain change my blankness into something else. I let the rain fill me. I feel something I’ve never felt before. I feel…recreated.